Opening the Door: Chapter Two

“Are you okay back there, _____? I apologize for not preparing a more suitable transportation for you.” The man named Erwin spoke over his shoulder as he handed you a small canteen of water.

“I-I'm okay. Thank you.” You weren't quite accustomed to horse back anymore since it had been well over ten years or so that you had last seen one. You remembered that your father would sometimes let you come along on his trips and how much you had enjoyed the long rides back then.

“That's good. Just relax for a while and let me know if you start to feel uncomfortable at all. Make sure to hold on tightly, okay?” You nodded and he turned forward again, snapping the reigns he held to increase the horse’s speed. The other men followed quickly behind, keeping pace and staying in relatively close distance from their trusted Commander.

Or at least, you assumed he was trusted. Why else would they be so accepting of someone like you riding with them? And without any sort of confines to top it off. You had expected to hear whispers and complaints but they had yet to come. Was the man before you so capable that everyone felt you posed no threat to him? Enough that even he had no fear even as you wrapped your arms around his waist, riding on his horse?

Or perhaps it was just the opposite? There was also the possibility that he had kept you beside him on purpose in case something went astray. It'd be easier to stop you if he was close by after all. Just as easily as you could kill him, he could do the same for you.

But... he said they needed your help so that wouldn't happen, right? You tried to reassure yourself but you couldn't deny the possibilities before you. If you had learned anything in all your years of life thus far, it was caution.

The fact that you were suddenly surrounded by a group of people after being alone for so many years wasn't helping with your nerves, either.

The only thing that was familiar was the looks you received from the surrounding soldiers. You would probably never forget that look no matter how long lived. Feeling that your throat was getting a little dry, you took a sip from the water Erwin had provided you.

“I have to be frank, ____. We're losing this war and you're our only option. Would you mind coming along with us back to a base outside this forest? We can have a more detailed discussion there."

“Go with you? B-but... I can't leave...”

“I understand your hesitation, ____. But our situation is dire and we need you to help us. If you don't, we just might lose everything. No one will harm you.”

“M-Mr. Smith?” You spoke after a few minutes of silence. He glanced his eyes in your direction only briefly to acknowledge that he had heard you.

“Erwin is fine, ____.”

“Ah, right, sorry. Then, Mr. Erwin... Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course. You must have tons of them, huh?”

“I was just wondering... about my father. Is he well?” You tried to lean your head over to glimpse at the taller man in front of you but you couldn't manage to get a good view. Perhaps he noticed your movement, though, for after a moment he turned his head towards you briefly with a small smile.

“We can talk about that when we stop for the night, okay? It will take us some time to travel all the way back so we'll take a small break when the sun sets. Will that be acceptable?” His face showed kindness and yet something about his words was unsettling, making you feel displeased at the vague reply.

“Father said they'd kill me if I leave...”

“I said I'd protect you, didn't I? You'll be safe with us.”

But if your father had been the one to tell these people of your location – of your existence – it would mean he was at least alive, right? It would be okay to trust these people for now, wouldn't it? It didn't seem as if they planned to harm you at least.

You tried to avoid the fearful looks and glares that the others gave you and instead focus on the warmth of one Erwin Smith. You couldn't say you trusted him completely just yet – and if you were being completely honest with yourself, you might have just been looking for an excuse to finally escape your confines – but you decided to believe in the things he had told you for now.

For the look he gave you was one without fear. And that was your biggest comfort in over ten years.

You decided that for the sake of caution you would let the issue slide for now. You probably didn't have too much choice in the matter, anyways.

You let out a small sigh, unconsciously resting your head on the broad back in front of you. Your thoughts were just too much of a mess to realize the overly comfortable action.

“Your ability... have you ever used it while out here?”

“When I was younger, yes. There was one time – it must have been only two weeks since I found this house. I was out trying to find food because I was starving and there was an animal. It was bigger than me and I couldn't run fast enough and I kept falling everywhere. I was scared.”

“And since then?”

“I used it a few times to get the fruit that was too high up. I've learned to climb since then, though.”

“How long has it been?”

“I only used it during the first year. I realized quickly that the size of... my transformation... increased as I began to regain my health. I'm not sure if it was that or perhaps it's something that happens the more I use it? I couldn't tell you. I stopped because I was scared someone would see the smoke.”

“So then, you can control it? I heard that you can turn at will through self-inflicted injury.”

“At will is kind of... I guess that's mostly true. There are times in which I didn't chose it, though.”

“So it's not predictable?”

“Ah, well, I wouldn't say that. I just meant that I didn't always make the decision consciously. For example, the first time in the woods – my injuries weren't self-inflicted. My body was already so weak from the hunger and I kept falling over. I cut my legs and arms up pretty badly on the branches and rocks. Mixed with the fact that I was running for my life... it just happened. I don't remember anything from during my transformation, though.”

“So you aren't conscious while in your Titan form?”

“Only when I didn't choose it. When I chose to turn on my own I had control.”

“Your father told me that the first time you transformed was when you were being bullied by some other children down the back field of your home. Was that conscious?”

“I... don't remember it. I remember waking up and seeing the blood. It was hot and I didn't know what where I was at first... and mother, she was screaming so loud. I remember the physical pain being gone but my head was spinning.”

“Any other symptoms? What happened next?”

“I could see mother crying and so I went to her. I still didn't know what had happened so I didn't understand why she looked so scared as I approached her... She started screaming for father and I was so worried something had happened to her. I ran to her, I wanted to help her... And she pushed me away, screaming and crying. Then father came outside.”

“_____?” Your name was called suddenly, causing your eyes to shoot open. Erwin's face was only a few inches from your own and you instinctively backed up, only to realize your path was blocked.

Shifting your gaze rapidly through your surroundings you noticed the sun had already set and you were no longer on horseback. You also too note the soldiers in the distance behind Erwin and the sound of running water – did they decide to give the horses a break? The wall behind you was, to your relief, just a tree and you noticed also that you had been wrapped in someone jacket. Looking down at the green fabric and then back up at Erwin it was clear who the large cape belonged to.

“D-did I fall asleep?” You spoke when Erwin continued to stare at you from an uncomfortably close distance. Shifting nervously under his gaze you pulled the fabric from your shoulders, trying to find any excuse to look away. What was he staring at, anyways? It was as if he was studying you. What was he looking for?

“You were probably tired from everything that's happened, huh?” Erwin spoke up after a moment, smiling at you kindly and raising himself to stand straight. He offered a hand to help you up, “I'm sure this is all probably overwhelming to you so suddenly.”

“It's... unexpected, I guess.” You couldn't help but wonder if it was even okay for you to be here – or to be interacting with others again like this. You were so unsure and your worries were so overpowering that it almost felt as if you were just being carried by the waves of wind rather than making conscious decisions.

“I can understand your nerves, ____, but you'll be okay with us.” Erwin bent down to your level once more when you didn't take his hand.

“O-Okay.” You gave a nod. “Hey, Mr. Erwin?”

“You should drop the “Mr.” already, _____. You're making me feel like an old man. Although I suppose in your eyes I might be just that, huh?” Shifting around and letting out a sigh, Erwin moved himself to sit next you against the large tree rather than in front of you.

“No, I don't think you're old! But... father told me once that it's rude to be overly-friendly with people you don't know and-” What were you even talking about? Was conversation always this difficult?

“It's okay, _____. What did you want to say?” Somehow that tone he spoke with made it seem as if he hadn't even noticed that he had just cut you off mid-sentence. You had definitely said something strange, right? It had been so long since you had been around others that you found putting your thoughts into words a little more nerve-racking then they probably should have been. After all, for the first time in over ten years your voice was being heard by more than just a bird on the window frame.

“Ah, uhm... I wanted to ask about my father again. Since you said we could talk when we took a break...” You were aware that you were being overly self-conscious but that was too be expected, right? Just yesterday this whole situation would have been impossible for even your wildest imagination.

“I apologize for that, ____. It seemed more appropriate to have this conversation face to face instead since it's obvious you still care for your father.” Despite his words Erwin was staring forward instead of looking into your eyes.

“Then... something happened to him?” You asked the question even though you were unsure if you wanted to hear the answer.

“Your father was killed, ____. I'm sorry.” He turned to face you before saying the words you had already half expected.

“Killed? B-by who? Why?” Only half expected.

“The situation is still under investigation so I can't tell you anything about who it was just yet, but he was travelling with a few of my men to get into hiding when they were ambushed. Your father was cornered and killed along with my men that were escorting him.” His facial expression never changed as he spoke and yet you felt as if you could see a hint of something akin to pity in his eyes.

“Into hiding? Was he in danger?” Perhaps you should be a little bit more worried about your own situation... If someone had been after your father – the only reason you could think of would be that your existence had been revealed. Did other people already know about you as well?

“We had reason to believe that he would be targeted, yes.” His tone made it hard for you to question him further.

“...I understand.” You nodded, unsure of how to react. You cared for your father still, of course; the man had provided you with more than you could have ever asked. Or wanted.

“...You're taking the news better than expected, ____.” Erwin's tone seemed slightly surprised although his facial expression hadn't changed.

“I guess... because I haven't seen him in years. I've spent the last decade unsure of whether he was still alive or not, anyways... so I guess I was prepared?” You had always hoped you would be able see him once more before the end of your life, though. There were so many things you wanted to say; so many questions you needed to ask.

“I see. I'm sorry we couldn't protect him.” Would you be able to find the answers if you cooperated with this man? Even though he was from a section of the military?

“It's okay. Thank you for letting me know.” You held out the cloth you were still holding onto with a smile that probably looked as forced as it was. Not that you were particularly displeased with anything... but rather, you weren't sure what to feel.

“Your father told me that he sent you into hiding when your circumstances became known in the town. He said that you would definitely still be somewhere deep within this forest.” Erwin continued the conversation, making no move to stop you or accept his cape back from you.

“Yeah... “ You let your hands drop back to your lap, “Maybe it was because she fainted shortly after or something, but father was somehow able to convince mother that she was mistaken the first time. Although I suspect that she never really believed him, deep down. She always looked at me with fear in her eyes after that. The others in town, too – the parents of those children... I think they always blamed me. I overheard mother calling me names in the town one day so I think they all believed I must have been some sort of demon like she said. Then when it happened again years later, it was impossible to lie again. When father said he wouldn't just kill me like mother asked, she was angry. She said she was going to get someone in the military.”

“And so your father saved you, correct?”

“He grabbed my hand and we ran. When we made it to the edge of the forest he told me that I would be safe if I could just make it to the house on the other side. He said that it was far but once I made it, I could live in peace.” How many years had you spent regretting the way that scene had played out?

“You were only just a teenager, though. Weren't you scared?”

“I was terrified. I didn't know what was happening and I kept asking him over and over again what I did wrong. Why I was like this...” You never asked for this. This life, this ability... Wouldn't it have been better to just do as mother had asked? You hated the memory of the look you saw in your fathers eyes that day.

“What did he tell you?”

“He said that it wasn't my fault. He told me that I didn't deserve to be killed just for being this way. Hey, do you think he knew? I mean, before it happened...”

“...I couldn't say.” Erwin hesitated for only a second before answering.

“Yeah... he was scared of me too, you know? I can't remember that transformation either but for some reason his face is so vivid in my head. I've never seen him look so terrified.”

“But he still protected you?”

“Yes.”

“Then, have you been in that house all these years?” You gave a nod and Erwin paused for a moment, “You didn't want to escape?”

“Well... of course there were days I wanted to run away. But where could I go? I was already alone so what would I be running away from? Only father knew where I was and for all I know, he could have been killed in my place. So I was safe there, at least.”

“You weren't angry at him for not being there for you? Or for not explaining anything?”

“I was angry... and sad. But father – he still cared for me despite the fact that I was like this. He told me that I didn't deserve to die, even though I doubt even he would have been able to deny that I'm a monster. Even though he looked so scared... father never looked at me with hatred.” You were thankful for all your father had done for you... and yet you couldn't help but resent him for it a little, too.

Because you had never wanted any of this.

“He was brave. He tried his best to help us, too. I'm sorry we weren't able to keep him safe.” Erwin apologized once more with that same stoic look on his face.

You managed another smile, “It's not your fault.”

“...Should we get going soon?” Erwin stood up once more, “I'm going to check on the others so stay here for a second until I come back for you. Ah, here's your water, too.”

“Thank you.” You nodded, taking the canteen and holding out the man's jacket once more.

“It's cold out so why don't you hold on to it,” Erwin spoke as he turned around; his words came across as more of a statement rather than question.

“Uhm!” You called out without really thinking about it, “Thank you for taking the time to speak with me about it,  E-Erwin.”

“I'm glad you decided to trust me, ____.”